08/15/2014 - Vinyl 'Proofs' for New Album Are Awesome!
Christian and Emily geeked out for hours on end today after receiving four 'proofs' of the vinyl for their new album "Breathing Out & In". They sat and listened over and over and over again, reveling in the space between the instruments and the voices, the three dimensional structure of the sound, the ribbons of vocals shimmering in the center, and the fact that it was better than they had expected it to be. Both band members had been secretly terrified since first placing the vinyl order that the record would not sound the way that old awesome records like "Workingman's Dead" sound. Luckily, it does! (not nearly as awesome in a historical context, but pretty awesome!) Of particular note in terms of the-benefit-of-the-magic-of-vinyl are: (1) Em's vocals; and (2) Christian's old archtop guitar. Copies will be available for purchase through the website in September. Hail, Vinyl!
07/11/2014 - Album release show booked at the Cactus Cafe in September!
We are ecstatic to report that our good friends at the Cactus Cafe have invited us to release our new record, "Breathing Out & In", at their legendary establishment later this summer. We couldn't be more excited, and we hope to see all of you there. The fantastically talented Brian Kremer will open the show, and we are thrilled to share such a historic stage with such a wonderful musician. More news to follow on tickets, vinyl, and other magnificent odds and ends. Yeah!!!
07/10/2014 - The New Album is DONE!
The new TLU album, "Breathing Out & In" is tracked, mixed, mastered, and ready to stream from the music page of our website! It will be officially released and available for purchase in LP, CD and MP3 formats later this summer. YES!!!!
05/13/2014 - Emily Bears Child, Completes Royal Flush of Major Life Events
The TLU front lady finally quit being pregnant today, giving birth to a happy, healthy, boisterous shock of curly black hair with a tiny child attached underneath. According to the latest genetic modeling techniques, the hair is expected to grow to a height of 5'11" and graduate Magna Cum Laude from Vassar College before pursuing a successful career in emerging-market analysis for Goldman Sachs. The child is predicted to play the washboard and complete at least six non-consecutive years of formal schooling before dropping out to join the New Riders of the Purple Sage and tour intermittently in several counties of west Texas. For Mama Em, the birth completes an extraordinary run of recent adult life events. Since this time last year, the TLU singer and guitar picker has entered a new decade of life, gotten married, finished grad school, gotten a new job, bought a new house, finished a new record and become a mother. Never one to rest on her laurels, Em has declared that in the next calendar year she will have another six children, become Surgeon General, end sectarian conflict in the Middle East, halt climate change, and reduce bullying by at least 40% across all levels of public education. Against this backdrop of current and future greatness, Christian has woven his own tapestry of achievements in recent months, watching nearly every NBA playoff game and drinking approximately 1,000 beers since early May. Go Spurs! Kawhi Leonard for Lt. Governor!! Or maybe Land Commissioner!!
04/27/2014 - New Album Nearly Complete, Emily Still Pregnant as All Get-Out
The third TLU studio album, "Breathing Out & In", is nearly complete. That is, if you count the first CD that E&C recorded on $360 worth of second-rate rental gear in the unused bedroom of Emily's old house to be a "studio album". If not, then this would be the second TLU studio album. Either way, the nine-song offering is all tracked and mixed and is now ready for mastering. Leaked mixes of the new songs are drawing rave reviews from some of the most brilliant minds in the world of music. Jimmy Cliff declared the soulful burner, "Rose of Jericho" to be, "like a better version of 'The Harder they Come' but for the 21st century". Trent Reznor was overheard crying himself to sleep on his private jet after hearing "Raising the Stakes", mournfully asking himself, "why couldn't I get 'Closer' to sound like that?" In other news, Emily is still so pregnant that it seems unlikely the band will ever perform live again. Luckily, this coincides with Christian's recently renewed interest in watching old Joe Strummer documentaries repeatedly while having several too many drinks. So it might all turn out just fine.
01/29/2014 - TLU Heads into Local Studio to Record 3rd Album, Global Economic Response Indicates Hope for Future
Global markets rallied in heavy trading today as word of the release of the much-anticipated third album by the Austin-based and globally inspired folk punk duo The Light Upstairs spread from the Pacific Rim to Wall Street. The Japanese Nikkei Index jumped 30% and the NYC-based S&P 500 became so excited by news of the impending release that it changed its name to the 'S&P Turbo 1000'. Orbiting satellites shivered as their artificial intelligence systems sensed the import of the digital messages being transmitted about this transcendent band of ordinary legends to over 3 billion internet users worldwide (and a handful of telepathic nomads specifically dialed into the TLU frequency that connects all life in the galaxy). In related news, Emily got a pretty sweet strap for her mandolin, which is turning out to be huge for the band because she no longer has to sit down and hunch over at a seemingly impossible 720 degree angle to play the tiny instrument as it slips down her lap and onto the floor. Way to go, Em!
09/28/2013 - TLU Opens for 'Mandolin Orange' at the Cactus Cafe
This would have been a great story if we'd taken the time to write about it when it happened, but it's been a few months and, frankly, we don't remember all the details. It was a great show, Mandolin Orange was totally awesome, and the guy and gal in that band are sweet people. TLU wishes them all the best and expects to see them play in front of thousands of people next time they come through town. On the upside of how long it's been, TLU has had ample time to give the vinyl copy of MO's new album, "This Side of Jordan", numerous listenings, and it is totally fantastic.
07/17/2013 - TLU Releases First Music Video, Band's Parents Clear Schedules for July and August
TLU released a music video for the song "Porchlight" today, causing all four parents of TLU band members to independently cancel all scheduled appointments for the current and following months in order to create ample viewing time. Em's dad seemed to speak for his fellow band-parents when he simply stated that in life, one must have priorities, and when your recently-married daughter's band releases a video, you simply have to afford this exciting development the attention it is due. Naturally, all four band-parents will be doing precious little else over the next two months but viewing this cinematic masterpiece on YouTube time and time again until all ties to reality simply float away. Knowing of their parents' extraordinary enthusiasm for the band, and fearing an "Infinite Jest"-type outcome (a novel by David Foster Wallace in which anyone unlucky enough to intentionally or accidentally view an experimental film made by the deceased father of the book's protaganist - a film known mysteriously as "The Entertainment" - is rendered so overcome by primordial attraction to this artistic work that s/he is unable to do anything but watch it over and over again until the lack of sleep and nurishment renders that person completely incapable of deed or thought) E&C are taking all necessary precautions to ensure that this does not befall their sweet parents. "I asked my brother to go by their place with some pizza, make sure they don't get too carried away," stated Christian. Emily is also taking steps to secretly monitor her parents' behavior, having her wedding photographer drop by their house unannounced in hopes that this might distract at least her mother from the inevitable repeated viewings that the video's release will inspire. While the band's intrinsic love for their parents is naturally assumed to be the primary motivation for these precautions, some have taken a more cynical view. "That's 97% of their CD sales right there, with those four individuals - you don't think they want that going down the toilet, do you?" asked TLU-sympathizer albeit token conspiracy theorist Bryan Ray. Despite this cynicism and his spotty attendance at recent shows, TLU has not ruled out asking Mr. Ray to play bass on future TLU recordings. "He's solid as a rock - you gotta give him that," opined Emily. Indeed.
06/08/2013 - Guitar Repairman Walter Hutcherson Named TLU "Person of the Year", Emily's New Husband and Christian's Daughter Co-Runners Up
In an unexpected development, the TLU Mankind Appreciation Committee announced that the "2013 TLU Person of the Year" award would go to local guitar repairman, elderstatesman and cynic-in-chief Walter Hutcherson. While other similar awards from less prestigious organizations such as Time magazine are generally given out at the end of each calendar year, TLU decided that the jury was in for 2013, and that after the miracle that Hutcherson performed on Christian's recently acquired Gibson L-48, there was no chance of other candidates matching this achievement over the next seven months. Helping Hutcherson's cause were the generous amounts of wisdom and verbal abuse that he doles out to his clients as they sit in his workshop watching him resuscitate their mistreated and malnourished instruments. Common themes of conversation are the idiot repairmen who tried to fix these instruments in the past and the even bigger idiot owners who paid them to do so after creating the problems in the first place. Although he recently sold his guitar shop, the iconic Austin musicians' haven known as "The Musical Exchange" on North Loop in central Austin, the still-spry 74 year-old Hutcherson continues to salvage once-classic instruments and berate their foolish owners from his workshop in the garage of his north Austin home. Reasonable rates and lenient payment schedules merely add to the already magnificent experience of hiring him to fix your delapidated instruments. Though the balloting for the coveted award was not even close, it would behoove this staff to mention co-runners up Bobby M., recently married to TLU front-chick Emily, and Christian's 15-month-old daughter, who is on the verge of correctly pronouncing the word "cat". Honorable mentions also go to the recently-departed (from Austin) and sorely-missed Bud Kaufman and the ever-inspired Dollar Dan Nettles, both of whom gave Christian really cool thumbpicks in the month of May.
05/25/2013 - Emily Marries, Bridesmaids Armed to the Teeth
TLU welcomed an awesome new member to the family today as front-gal Emily was married to the super awesome Bobby M. of South Austin. Eschewing her pacifistic nature, the TLU front-gal required her bridesmaids to follow her lead and strap matching blades to their boots as they blazed a trail of cold steel down the wedding aisle in Kyle, TX. A splendid time was had by all as Christian's wife pulled driving duty and the TLU guitarist tied one on pretty good with such colorful characters as Dollar Dan Nettles, Little Willie Nickel, Slick Nick Marcotte, Patrick from Waterloo, Scott "Skokat" Zuniga and many others. The Volz girls of San Antonio conducted a symphony of childcare, minding the sole TLU offspring and teaching her the moves to such notable dance classics as the Electric Slide and Dancing Queen. Emily and Bobby are planning a glorious road trip honeymoon in which they will drive not a car, but Bobby's 18-foot smoker, to California and back. The extra slow-cooked "5,000 Mile Ribs" are expected to be tender and delicious.
04/16/2013 - Christian Buys Vintage Gibson Archtop, Parental and Professional Responsibilities Fall Into State of Woeful Neglect
Christian bought a mid-'50s Gibson L-48 archtop guitar recently and has reportedly been playing the vintage instrument nearly every waking moment since. While the intense practicing is undoubtedly engendering certain positive outcomes (measured in acoustic shredding per second), the benefits are coming at a steep price. "He hasn't changed a diaper in weeks," reported the exasperated wife of the TLU guitarist. "Not that he was ever exceptionally helpful," qualified the long-suffering spouse, "but at least he made the effort. Now he just sits around playing the same John Prine song over and over and over and over and over again. And don't even get me started on that stupid thumbpick." The guitarist's professional performance has also dropped off sharply. "His spreadsheets used to be so colorful and inspired," lamented Christian's boss at Global Strategic Insight Performance Forecasting Predictive Analysizing Factorial Derivative Solutions (GSIPFPAFDS), a local thinktank specializing in office maximization of solution-based supply chain management across national borders and the space-time continuum. "Now he doesn't even bother to change the font from 'courier', or even click the 'wrap to text' function so I can see what he's doing." Luckily for TLU, his solo on the new tune "Breathing Out and In" is really sounding prettty amazing. Like, for real.
02/24/2013 - TLU Sells Bass, '80s Stones Albums in Preparation for Sequestration Cuts
E&C have agreed to sell the Fender Jaguar Bass that they have not used in four years and the Rolling Stones albums "Dirty Work" and "Undercover" as part of a series of apocalyptic revenue-generating measures made in anticipation of the $1.2 trillion dollars worth of federal budget cuts set to take effect on Friday, March 1. While TLU is not funded directly by the US government, both founding members agreed that you can never be too careful. Plus, the bass was really gathering dust and those two albums are pretty weak. It goes without saying that the often-mocked but legitimately awesome '80s Stones albums "Emotional Rescue" and "Tattoo You" remain safely in the vinyl storage rack.
01/18/2013 - TLU Awakens from Winter Slumber with Long Beard, Engagement Ring
After taking a much needed two-month nap, TLU awoke this morning to discover not only that it had grown a huge civil war-type beard, but that front-gal Emily Burns had gotten engaged! The thunderous roar of breaking hearts rumbled across town from North to South, East to West as dudes who play guitar and/or meditate heard the news. The group also discovered upon its arousal the booking of a sweet show at Lamberts for tomorrow, January 19th 2013. Killer! Better start practicing! See you there!
10/29/2012 - TLU Described as "Stained Glass in a Quiet Church" by DJ John Aielli!
TLU finished up a busy October by playing three songs on the KUT program "Eklektikos" this morning and then playing the final show of their month-long residency at the Cactus Cafe. KUT DJ and host of the long-running "Eklektikos", a strong supporter of TLU, described the band's music as being "like stained glass in a quiet church"... awesome! To show their appreciation, Emily and Christian will take turns mowing Mr. Aielli's lawn every other Saturday for the next 10 years. The band played "Porchlight", "The Sun My Heart", and "Taxi", all songs from the band's new album 'The Hour of the Pearl'. (you can listen to the performance if you go to our press page and click on the KUT icon with the heading "The Light Upstairs in Studio 1A 10/29/12")
10/24/2012 - 'Bearings Guide' Does Feature Article on TLU!
Check our 'Press' page to read all about it!
10/22/2012 - TLU Song "Taxi" is KUT's 'Song of the Day'!
Yeah, we can't really believe it. There's a sweet little article about the song at http://kut.org/2012/10/the-light-upstairs-taxi-2/ and Jay Trachtenberg played the song on his afternoon music program on KUT! We are absolutely floored by how much support KUT is giving us, and we are eternally grateful. You should all donate today! They may still be doing the fund drive!
10/10/2012 - TLU to Perform Live on KUT's Eklektikos with John Aielli! ! ! ! ! !
TLU will appear on the long-running KUT program Eklektikos on Monday, October 29th for its first live on-air radio performance! We're not going to lie - this is kind of a big deal for us. Not only do we absolutely love DJ John Aielli, but many of our favorite songs and bands were first revealed to us on his wonderful program (including the mind-bendingly beautiful classic "By This River" by Brian Eno) and we are in awe to be welcomed onto the show... more than we ever expected, HUGE thanks to all the folks at KUT for the amazing support!
10/08/2012 - TLU Featured on KUT's Austin Music Minute!
TLU was featured today on the Austin Music Minute segment of KUT's morning broadcast. Host Laurie Gallardo described the band's music as "beautifully crafted acoustic Americana," and the songs as "warm and intimate reflections from the heart." Listen and/or read here: http://kut.org/2012/10/the-light-upstairs-october-residency-show-tonight-at-the-cactus-cafe/
Thanks, Laurie! You are awesome!
09/21/2012 - TLU Posts 'News' Item Without Use of Single Exlamation Point in Headline
Despite the intrinsically exciting nature of recent events and an actual increase in the band's general exuberance between July and September 2012, TLU elected to employ a headline for this very article completely devoid of exclamation points. This extremely uncharacteristic display of journalistic restraint should not be interpreted as an omen of even-keeled reporting to come, but rather as a chance for the band to catch it's literary breath for a moment without exerting the extra energy needed for the use of excessively gleeful punctuation.
09/01/2012 - Cactus Cafe Names TLU 'Cactus Artist in Residence' for October! Sponsored by Lonestar Beer!!
After playing a super-fun show at the Cactus Cafe last week with travelling band "Y La Bamba" from Portland, OR, TLU was given a weekly residency at the esteemed and iconic Austin venue. The residency will begin in October -- see the "Shows" section for details!
08/29/2012 - TLU Books Numerous Gigs, Necessitates Scroll Bar in 'Shows' Section
After recently booking a whole bunch of shows over the next few months, E&C were enthralled to discover that there are now so many shows listed in the 'Shows' section of this website that a scroll bar is now necessary to peruse them all. Awesome!
08/22/2012 - TLU Loves Cactus Cafe!
TLU had a thoroughly splendid time last night playing at the Cactus Cafe in support of the fabulous and downright loveable Portland, OR outfit "Y La Bamba". Although E&C felt like country-folk royalty as a result of enjoying all the amenities of the iconic Austin venue, including a competent sound guy and three free drinks each (whatever you want!), the duo was caught entirely off guard by the packed audience of respectful, attentive music lovers who were as quiet as death during each song and then applauded vigorously upon the completion of each tune. David Bernay and Gray Parsons played beautifully on mandolin and percussion, respectively, on several tunes to help the band match the enthusiasm of the crowd. More to follow. (Unfortunately, the TLU journalism staff got practically no sleep after the show last night, worked all day, and then somehow found themselves renting a UHaul at 7pm and helping a family of former neighbors move into a new house. And getting lost and running two toll booths on some ridiculous highway north of 290 East. And hoping they don't get two tickets in the mail. Cause that would only prove that their father's favorite quote, 'No good deed goes unpunished', is undeniably true).
07/28/2012 - Thanks for Helping Us Have an Awesome Album Release Show!
Thanks to all of you who came to Lamberts last night to help us celebrate the release of our new album "The Hour of the Pearl"! We had a fantastic time, and we are so lucky to have awesome friends, fans, and family like you all. Thanks to Lamberts, to C3, to KUT, to Jo Rae at Hard Pressed Publicity, to Paul Bank & The Carousels, and to our musical collaborators Gray Parsons (percussion) and David Bernay (Mandolin, vocals) who accompanied us on several songs during our set; all of you helped us to have a great show and a really fun night. You're awesome!
07/27/2012 - TLU single "Illuminated" featured on KUT Program 'Eklektikos'!
TLU's song "Illuminated", the first single off the band's new album "The Hour of the Pearl", was played on the acclaimed KUT Program Eklektikos this morning! This marks the first time the band has received radio airplay. Huge thanks to KUT DJs Jody Denberg and John Aielli, and Assistant Music Director Matt Reilly!
07/27/2012 - C3 Announces TLU Album Release at Lamberts "Sold Out"!
Austin music management and promotion company C3 Presents announced on its website that the TLU Album Release show at Lamberts tonight is "Sold Out"! This surprising development, albeit an exciting sign of the band's growing fanbase, had TLU members Emily & Christian scrambling to figure out how they were going to get their parents, who had travelled to Austin for the show but not purchased tickets in advance, into the club. After initially planning on having their mothers carry all of the band's equipment into the club and having their fathers submit expedited job applications to become busboys for one night, E&C spoke with Lamberts staff and learned that the club had merely sold out of the "Advance Purchase" tickets, and would have a limited number of tickets available at the door. Luckily, all of the band's friends and family were able to get into the show and help E&C celebrate the release of their new album. TLU got several awesome screenshots of the C3 website that announce the band's show as being 'Sold Out' side-by-side with promos for upcoming concerts by Snoop Dogg, Conor Oberst, Sarah Jaffe, David Byrne & St. Vincent, and Animal Collective. Ha!
07/23/2012 - 'The Hour of The Pearl' Now Available at Local Record Shops
TLU's new album, 'The Hour of The Pearl', is now available for purchase at local Austin record stores, including Waterloo Records, Cheapo Discs, and End of an Ear. So, if you want a physical copy of the CD, and you'd rather not wait for shipping (which you'd have to do if you bought the album through PayPal on our website), go down and pick up a copy! Also, the album makes a great gift, so why not pick up 10 copies, gift wrap 'em now, and totally relax during the week before Christmas? Not only would that significantly reduce your holiday stress levels, but it would make those record shops think that TLU is totally legit.
06/09/2012 - TLU Picks Up Copies of Newly Printed Album, "Hour of the Pearl"
Emily and Christian picked up the freshly minted copies of their new album, "Hour of the Pearl", today from their production team in South Austin. After running their fingers slowly over the textured, high-quality CD jackets, E&C quickly set about calling and emailing everyone they knew, including high school acquaintences with whom they've had exactly zero non-Facebook communication since the late '90s, and advised every single one of these people to go to their website and buy a copy of the album. In a related and utterly staggering development, Emily somehow conjured all of her magical powers and figured out how to make the album available on iTunes. She also set up a bank account that allows TLU fans to purchase the album via PayPal and TLU actually gets the money that is sent electronically during the transaction (check out the "Music" page to witness the glory of these features).
06/06/2012 - Tickets for CD Release Available for Advance Purchase on 'Frontgate Tickets' Website!
E&C realized today that tickets for the band's CD Release party at Lamberts on Friday, July 27th are now available for advance purchase on the "C3 Presents: Front Gate Tickets" website. This is basically the most legitimizing event to ever happen to the band. You should totally go to the Lamberts' website: http://lambertsaustin.com/index.php/music/ and scroll down to the entry for TLU's show and click on the "Buy Tickets" link. Then you can buy lots of tickets to the show, or at least check out how for real the band looks. And you could 'like' it on Facebook. Somehow. If you wanted to. Thanks! Go check it out!
05/26/2012 - TLU Books CD Release Party, Embarks on Series of Enthusiastic High-Fives
TLU booked a show to celebrate the release of their sophomore effort, "The Hour of the Pearl", at reputable local venue "Lamberts" in downtown Austin, TX. The venue not only possesses a piano and a functional Public Address system replete with quality speakers, microphones and microphone cables, but also boasts additional speakers called "monitors" which point at the stage and amplify the sounds made by the band, allowing the performers to actually hear themselves play and sing. Upon receiving confirmation of the show, E&C engaged in a series of rapid-fire high-fives that reminded the duo of the glorious 1980s in which each band member independently perfected his/her technique in this classic American celebration. Band practice tomorrow has been cancelled due to high-five-induced sore hands.
05/10/2012 - TLU Gets First Piece of Press! Continues Liberal Use of Exclamation Points!
TLU appeared on the front page of The Bastrop Advertiser today after playing a benefit show for the Boys and Girls Club of Bastrop last weekend. The paper, a local weekly covering the greater Bastrop area in Bastrop, TX, apparently thought highly enough of the band's performance to feature the duo in front page coverage of the concert over the much more famous headliner, Eric Johnson. However, despite this veritable coronation, E&C have somehow maintained their humble outlook and down-home sensibility. "Just cause we made the cover, that doesn't really mean that we're, you know, bigger or better than Eric Johnson," said Emily. Christian respectfully agreed with his bandmate's assessment. "Totally," the TLU guitarist asserted. "People shouldn't forget that he's pretty good at the guitar," he added. Sources close to the band who have requested to remain anonymous suggest that the band's magnanimity may be due to the fact that, despite their photo appearing on the front page of the local weekly, and the accompanying caption identifying each band member by name, the story itself does not actually mention the name of the band. This unconventional journalistic tactic elicited mild surprise from E&C, although each band member maintained his/her composure and stoicism. "It's cool," stated Emily. "We're not in it for the fame," Christian said. "All we really care about is how many people like us on Facebook, and with over 100 people and counting, we're looking pretty good." While surprising to some, the practice of mentioning all individual members of a band rather than the band itself is not without precedent for the central Texas weekly. In 1994, the paper featured a cover photo of four well-known musicians with a caption that read: "Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Ronnie Wood and Charlie Watts play a show of energetic and raunchy Rock and Roll music as members of some band that people elsewhere have apparently heard of." The article, which appeared during the foursome's now-forgotten "Voodoo Lounge" tour, may simply have been the small town's noble attempt to remind the rock legends that they hadn't made a decent album since 1980's Tattoo You and in fact had just dropped their fourth stinker in a row, following on the heels of Steel Wheels, Dirty Work, and Undercover. All of which have their moments but stand embarrassed and ashamed in the shadow of the band's earlier masterpieces. Sorry, Gav. In any event, check out TLU's suddenly-necessary "Press" page to read the story!
05/05/2012 - TLU Opens for Eric Johnson!
TLU opened for Grammy award-winning rock legend Eric Johnson at the "Jazz in Bastrop" Festival in Bastrop, TX today. The benefit concert was sponsored by St. David's Healthcare and held in order to raise money for the Bastrop Boys and Girls Club. However, a choice added bonus of this philanthropic and heart-warming fundraiser was that TLU, in addition to helping raise money for aspiring young people capable of accomplishing great things in their promising futures, now totally has the right to tell all their friends that theiy opened for Eric Johnson. Cliffs of Dover? Ever heard of it? Christian has been trying to learn how to play it for like 20 years. It's coming along. Any day, now. And what's more, EJ's backing band played along with E&C on their cover of The Mamas and The Papas' "Dream a Little Dream." It was rad. TLU has now decided to win a grammy immediately in order to attract a high caliber rhythm section. Just a matter of time. Grammy voters: TLU stands for "The Light Upstairs". Thank you.
03/17/2012 - Stork Brings Christian Healthy Baby Girl in Return for .13 Million Hours Sleep
Christian and his wife Sara were pleasantly surprised when the baby girl they had been expecting was delivered via Stork at 5:11pm today. After recovering from the initial shock of realizing that their new daughter was in fact purple, was sporting Jerry Curles, and had a head that was so ridiculously cone-shaped that it looked like the child was actually wearing a party hat over her skull and tucked underneath her skin, the joyous couple began earnestly thanking the Stork for the crucial role that he had played in the operation. However, before handing the child over to the beaming young couple, the Stork began listing the terms and conditions to which the couple would need to agree before they would be able to take ownership of the babe. "It's a pretty short list, actually," the Stork, who was reportedly much grumpier than expected, informed the couple. "Basically you ain't gonna sleep," he continued tersely while chewing on the end of a moistened and nearly-finished cigar. "I'm just trying to be straight with you. Most people sleep for, what, seven or eight hours a day? You lucky schmucks can now look forward to roughly seventeen non-consecutive minutes of sleep per night for the rest of your sorry, insomniatic lives." When asked what course of action the Stork would take if the couple had second thoughts about the deal, he replied in a practical and straightforward fashion. "Oh, you don't want it? Sure. No problem. No, no, I ain't gonna take it all the way back to the warehouse. No, you see Crazy Mike over there? Yeah, the guy that 'accidentally' stole your lawnmower, marches through the neighborhood screaming his girlfriend's name as if she was a lost dog, lives out of the truck that he's left in front of your house for the last three months and obviously has huge psychological problems, an impressive rap sheet, and devastating narcotic dependencies? Yeah, I'll probably just leave it with him. Looks like a pretty stand-up guy." After making a quick back-of-the-envelope calculation, and considering the benefits of watching a child grow up in front of their eyes over the course of their lifetimes on the one hand, versus approximately 130,000 hours of sleep on the other, the couple joined hands, exchanged a knowing look, nodded slowly at one another, and said, "I guess we'll take her. Just put her next to the Bazouki and beat it."
02/13/2012 - John Aielli Mentions TLU on Eklektikos, Emily and Christian Immediately Quit Day Jobs
John Aielli, the iconic host and creator of the long running music program "Eklektikos" on local NPR affiliate KUT in Austin, mentioned TLU on the air this morning, causing both TLU members to simultaneously quit their jobs despite having no communication with each other whatsoever. Aielli, who joined the band at Cacophony Studios yesterday to recite a poem written by TLU for their upcoming album "Hour of the Pearl", described what a delightful time he had with the band and went on to laud the beautiful natural environs in which the studio is located. Neither band member expressed any ambiguity whatsoever regarding the likely consequences that will result from this development. "I just don't see how this could lead to anything other than immediate fame and fortune for the band, so while I've enjoyed supervising the production team at the Clucker's rubber chicken factory in Round Rock for the last seven years, I feel like the responsible thing to do for the band and for my family is to quit the job and wait at home for the record companies to call and offer us huge recording advances," said Christian when reached for comment. Swept up by a similarly irresistible tide of optimism and confidence, Emily also left her position as Chief Patchouli Sommolier at Nordstom's after five years of loyal, dedicated service. "You have to make time for what's important," she declared, saying that she feels certain she can continue to gain access to exotic varieties of the perfume through her supply chain contacts in Malaysia. "Sometimes, you just have to trust your gut, and my gut is telling me that one mention of the band on Eklektikos will translate into roughly a gajillion sales of our new record when we release it," she added. The TLU Economic Forecasting team has not had time to factor the Eklektikos incident into its estimated earnings projections for the next quarter. Readers are advised to check back frequently for a downloadable version of the report.
02/09/2012 - TLU Fails to Throw Customary Temper Tantrum in Studio, Will Try Again Next Weekend
After completing two long days recording new songs at the wonderful Cacophony Studios in East Austin, TLU acknowledged that it still had not thrown a single temper tantrum during the recording process. Neither Emily nor Christian has stormed off, thrown anything, screamed at anyone, pointed fingers in the faces of collaborators or sound engineers, or even settled into a mild funk after a bad take. "There's still time," Christian said, assuring nervous fans who have come to expect ridiculous acts of melodrama from the duo on a fairly regular basis. "We have another two days in the studio next weekend, and I can promise you that Emily and I will do absolutely everything within our power to put ourselves in a position to really freak out about something." The outbursts, or "Hissy Fits", for which the band has become known, have historically stemmed from outlandish expectations, poor preparation, miscommunication, sleep deprivation, bad attitudes and general fussiness. Unfortunately for expectant fans, things seem to have been going intolerably well for the band lately. However, both E&C have committed themselves to dragging up ancient points of contention in order to renew old resentments and rekindle tired animosities, which could theoretically lead to the kind of outright hostility necessary to spark an unpleasant incident. A documentary film crew will be on hand at the studio this weekend in order to record any such meltdowns for posterity.
02/01/2012 - Christian Fondly Remembers Living in Moment
Christian spent several hours today reminiscing about a wonderful time he had several weeks ago in which he was exceptionally present in that precise moment and was able to successfully tune out any thoughts unrelated to the Never-ending Now-ness of his existence. Focusing on his breath and emptying his mind of all thoughts, he neither regretted nor celebrated past achievements or failures, nor did he worry about or eagerly anticipate any events in the near or distant future. "Man, that sure was a good moment," he recalled wistfully, reliving the experience over and over again in his mind. "I just can't tell you how good it felt to be nowhere but in that exact moment," he added, shaking his head in fond recollection and gazing off at the horizon. The TLU guitarist is reportedly looking forward to living completely in the moment several more times in the near future, and is apparently already contemplating how he will feel during future reminiscences recalling past moments that he will have lived in by then but that have not occured quite yet as of this writing. "Those will also have been some fantastic moments, I just know it," he stated confidently. Check the soon-to-be-posted "Reminiscences, Regrets, Recollections, Expectations, Hopes, Fears & Moments Lived in Presently" page for future updates.
01/18/2012 - TLU Reopens Negotiations with Whole Foods Regarding Live Shows, Line of Salad Dressings
After three months of stalled talks and escalating acts of brinksmanship, TLU sat down with representatives from Whole Foods today to discuss the possibility of the band playing a show during peak shopping hours at the massive grocery chain's flagship location in central Austin. The talks revolved around potential dates, length of sets, and the possibility of complimentary sandwiches for the band from the Prepared Foods section. Both sides expressed cautious optimism that an agreement might be reached before Barton Springs pool opens in March, at which time hordes of bearded Austinites in cut off denim shorts will flood the organic grocer, spending extra time standing in long check-out lines and potentially really digging whatever music is playing in the background. The Quartet of Austin institutions facilitating the negotiations - which includes Central Market, Wheatsville Coop, Ghostland Observatory and Ian McLagan - released a statement after the meeting reaffirming the many previously contested points on which the two sides currently agree. However, a member of the Quartet, speaking on condition of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the talks, expressed the frank opinion that TLU really shouldn't make such a big deal about the sandwhiches. "Yeah, they're delicious", he conceeded, "but they're only like $5 each; just buy one."
01/05/2012 - Survey Indicates Emily's Parents Still Love the Band's First CD
A recent report shows that Emily's parents continue to listen to and laud TLU's debut album "Disconnecting the Dots", released in May 2010. "I can't believe that's my baby girl," raved Em's mother in between lines sung along to "The Whispers", the tenth track on the album. "I still remember when she used to sing along to the Mouseketeers, and now she's singing her very own songs," she added. Em's dad also maintains enthusiastic support for the band, asserting that the duo's harmonies are "fantastic, just fantastic." While complete data has not yet been released, the band disclosed that 100% of survey respondents answered "Strongly Agree" to the statement that "TLU is The Best Band In Like The Whole Multiverse". Although not among those polled, Christian's parents allegedly listen to the album "all the time", despite possessing little more than rudimentary knowledge of song lyrics and emotive themes.
12/28/2011 - Christian Celebrates 8th Wedding Anniversary, Knocks up Wife
OK, these things did not happen precisely in this order and the latter piece of information is not really news, but this is a new website and if there is an entire section devoted to "News", it should probably have lots of entries, regardless of musical relevance. It's a girl, and her first word will be "Champion". If anyone wants to help out painting the nursery, the couple is currently accepting applications. Ability to trace elephant and giraffe outlines a must.
12/18/2011 - Emily Transcends Earthly Presence in Sensory Deprivation Chamber, Takes Dog for Extra-Long Walk
Emily spent an hour in a sensory deprivation chamber in South Austin today, experiencing a complete lack of stimulation to the senses of sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. After achieving a level of consciousness previously approached only upon first listenings of Gillian Welch records, Em went home to contemplate universal expansion but instead opted to take Sarah (the dog, not to be confused with "Sara, Christian's wife") on a really long walk.
12/17/2011 - TLU Books Show at Flipnotics, Breaks Career Record for Shows in a Month
TLU booked a show next month at one of their favorite Austin coffeeshops, raising their total number of shows for January 2012 to four. Although offical statistics were not kept prior to 2011, this number likely exceeds the band's previous monthly high for "Shows In One Month" by at least three.
12/15/2011 - TLU Gets Residency at Opa! Wine Bar, Celebrates By Converting Band Funds to Drachmas
After a delightful experience playing at the lovely South Austin venue for the first time last week, TLU was offered a residency at the club for January 2012. Although E&C hoped to keep it super simple and easy to remember (like "every Friday" or "every Saturday"), schedules and travel plans both concrete and tentative forced them to settle on a semi-random assortment of Fridays and Saturdays over the course of the month (check the "Shows" page for dates... no cover charge!) The bar is great, the staff is great, the location is great, the wine selection is top-notch, and you finally have the opportunity to demonstrate your recently-acquired Greek language skills with Orestis, the bartender. (And yes, we are aware that Greece converted its currency to the Euro a while back, but by the time anyone reads this, TLU believes the financially troubled Mediterranean nation may have reverted to its previous currency. Check our soon-to-be-posted "Global Forecast" page for additional uninformed economic and geopolitical speculation.)
12/10/2011 - TLU Books Studio Time, Worries About Leaving Someone Important Out of "Thank You" Section of Liner Notes
E&C tapped long-time collaborator Erik Wofford of Cacophany Studios in Austin, TX to help the band record its sophomore effort, "Hour of the Pearl". Recording will commence in February 2012 and proceed at a leisurely pace until all concerned agree that "it's about as good as it's gonna get." The aptly named "Erik Wofford Is Awesome Sessions" will constitute the first time the band has tried to record in a house not owned by either of the band members using equipment that someone present during the recording process actually knows how to operate. TLU is optimistic that such a responsible, downright sensible recording strategy will produce an album that neither band member will totally hate six months later. Wofford mixed and mastered the band's debut album "Disconnecting the Dots" in 2010 as well as another album that E&C recorded while members of a previous band.
12/07/2011 - TLU Sells CD to Total Stranger
TLU sold a copy of their debut album, "Disconnecting the Dots", to someone that they didn't even know yesterday during a short break between sets at Opa! Coffee and Wine Bar on South Lamar. The man appeared to genuinely enjoy the band's music despite having no personal connection whatsoever to either Emily or Christian, and in fact was willing to trade $10 US for the ability to listen to said music in a reproduced format at some future date and time. Not only was "Dan", 29, neither a direct relative nor close friend of either band member, he was not even a coworker buying a CD just to be nice. "I just thought they were really good," he stated when asked about his motivation for buying the album. TLU estimates that with a mere 60,000 similar anonymous purchases the band will be on the verge of making a notable foothold in the music business.
12/13/1988 - TLU Urges Bob Seger to Stop Writing Songs About Himself as a Strapping, Irresistible, Indefatigable Teenager
In a pleading statement released over the weekend, TLU begged 43 year-old pop star Bob Seger to bring his perpetual habit of writing songs about himself as a young, innocent, god-like, bronzed Adonis, radiating masculinity and aglow with teenage sexual promise, to a halt. While conceding that this practice had engendered both artistic and commercial success over a long line of hit songs, TLU asserted that things were really getting out of hand. "It was totally cool when you did it on 'Night Moves'," the statement declares. "And then when we first heard 'Running Against the Wind', we were still like 90% on board. But when you released 'Like A Rock' last year and we had to hear and watch it on every Chevy commercial during every commercial break of every NFL game for the last two seasons, we finally realized how ridiculous it is for a grown man to reminisce about his own formative years in such a brazenly vain and self-aggrandizing fashion." The statement goes on to suggest that the internationally acclaimed, legendary songwriter pen more tunes on such relatively humble themes as 'Rock & Roll' and 'Places Where People Play and Listen to Rock & Roll', offering classic Seger gems "Old Time Rock and Roll", "Rock and Roll Never Forgets" and "Hollywood Nights" as possible templates. Reached for comment at his home in Orchard Lake Village, Michigan, Seger responded, "Who?"